SAD or BAD!?

If I lived in the Northern hemisphere I might have recently been suffering from SAD (Seasonally Affective Disorder). However I think it might more likely be something like Bushfire Angst Daily or Building A Dream or who knows?

Truth is I'm not quite sure where I've been. Rob Gordon would suggest that I'm in the "Cortisone Phase" of a post traumatic experience but again I'm not so sure.

I know I've lost a house and a bunch of stuff that I'll probably never replace and a cat that I might, but at no point in any of the time since Feb 6 have I felt particularly traumatised. In fact I've mostly felt nothing in particular. Of course in daily life, I've been angry, upset, frustrated and happy and relaxed and also just blank. Having been diagnosed previously with depression and still on medication for same, I have sometimes thought that it's like being depressed but with a purpose ie all the same symptoms but with energy or focus which prevents one from just sitting. I've pretty much decided that it would be useful to talk to someone as I suspect that it's a long embedded ability(?) and desire to survive by "managing" or controlling my emotional and physical wellbeing and environment.

Perhaps none of or all of the above as well as a degree of frustration that at the age of 60 once regarded as nearly venerable and a time for reflection and relaxation one has been prematurely reborn with a new beginning, life and a new bloody mortgage.

My head has been pondering the preceding for most of the last month as well as taking on a new role at IBM which has demanded a very steep learning curve and a recognition that there have been a number of outstanding actions that I haven't been able to get to grips with like responding to mails, actually putting drafting pen to paper for a couple of garden designs including my own and updating the blog. I've mostly just been rolling along making sure that I eat and drink and generally remembering to take my be nice pills.

I'm not going to attempt to fill in the blanks since August. It would if possible, take too long and anyway a bit of a mystery is probably no bad thing.

That said, here's a few things that have or haven't happened yet. The dead pine trees are still dead and despite 100Kph winds and my fervent wishes, refuse to fall over. They are obviously not taking any notice of the council's arborist who has declared them dangerous.

I finally had the ailing "Big Dog" Fergal given a quiet send off at the local vet. Poor old bugger couldn't even scratch himself and that's no life for a poor bloody dog.

We've moved the caravan to enable the building of a barn. My builder Mick has given me a whole bunch of trusses and roofing iron from a house he's demolishing. Its a great gift and will significantly reduce the cost of a barn.

We've survived foul winds and a bit of rain. The dam is now overflowing for which I am grateful, but I hate to see it flowing across the bottom road.

We've had a new gas heated shower unit delivered. Ros is very happy.

I've ordered a 110,000 litre from Pioneer for delivery in mid-October.

Council has approved the house plans and yesterday we signed the contract with Mick & EdgeBuild his company. He reckons it will take about six months so we will probably be in the house in April 2010. Ros is very pleased. She's starting back at work tomorrow at the Austin one day a week. I am very pleased with both of these events.